I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

Today, one aspect of my Mesh led to a Defining Moment….

There are 3 rooms in my home that should either be condemned or at the very least banned from me ever entering them again,  they are my master bedroom closet and my two spare room closets. Oh crap, I  might as well own up to the fact it is not only those 3 rooms, it  now involves my main floor hall closet and my exercise room. All the closets, dresser drawers, shelves and even my treadmill are stuffed full of clothes, and if they aren’t in a closet or on a shelf they are over flowing on unused pieces of exercise equipment as they are just collecting dust bunnies anyways so I might as well put the space to use…that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
 It is a never-ending battle of staying on top of my clothing situation. I have given this a lot of though lately as to why I own 160+ jackets; pants and tops ranging in size from 3-13, xs-xl and a few plus size, back in the day. Aside from the obvious, I am a shopaholic when it comes to clothes, and oh I also have a Party Lite addiction but that’s a whole other blog worthy of writing one day, just not today. As far I can rationalize it, my clothing addiction I believe is deeply rooted in my health  for one and my love of clothes, which is the more obvious of the two and to further rationalize it I will attempt to explain myself.
I had an interesting conversation with a Meshie friend today and we talked about our “old” selves and how we missed that person. It is true that when something is taken away from you unexpectedly, you become this person you do not recognize and more often than not, you don’t even like. When I first realized I was “sick” after my surgery I realized I had become hardened and cranky, I retreated into this little world of my own because I didn’t understand what was happening to the once vibrant fun-loving Diane and I mourned for “her” to return. I did the obvious and that was to shop. Now initially this was an interesting venture because I could no longer physically go out and shop due to my health issues so I turned to on-line shopping, how cool is this I thought! Well apparently MasterCard and Visa thought it was pretty darn cool as they kept increasing my credit limit! I can honestly say at this point I understand how people become “hoarders.”  It really isn’t that hard in this day and age of technology, you surf eBay, find what you like, use PayPal, press confirm and voila, the product is yours! Wow, this is way to easy!
At some point though, you know you are shopping to compensate for what you have lost and for me that was my health, my ability to be and stay independent, my self-worth, my self-esteem and my confidence. Mesh not only robbed me of my physical ability to part-take in daily life but also my emotional ability to be involved in anything with deep meaning. I just decided to shut down one day and that was that. I shopped because it gave me pleasure, plain and simple. It was the one thing I could do without anyone giving me a lecture on having to be more active, more involved and more fun…ok, this could be quite a gross comment to make but here goes…I challenge anyone to live with a piece of jagged mesh poking into their vagina or penis every single minute of every single day and stay active, involved and fun!!!! There, my most inner dark thought is out there…do with it as you see fit…
My clothes ranged in size according to my never-ending battle of my weight.  When I was well I was in the size 3 and loving every minute of it, when I got sick and stopped exercising I was in the size 13 and now that I am exercising again, albeit very painfully, I am back down  and in the size 9…my body is a work in progress and the clothes for me are a constant  reminder of where I’ve come from, where I’ve been and now where I’m going. I can’t see parting with them yet…maybe when I am whole again I will be able to part with them because by then they will just be a constant reminder of past painful days, and I’m pretty sure when I’m well, that’s the last thing I want to be thinking about.
I was also  thinking about the “old” me last night as I was working on my book and came to the conclusion that I don’t want the *old* me back, not that I wasnt a good *old* me, just that after having gone through this experience, I believe I am a better, more compassionate loving person, how many people get the chance to wipe the slate clean and break out a new “me”.  I do miss the fun-loving *old* me and do hope that part returns once I am well, but I don’t miss the often cynical cranky * old me* as I had become hardened from my husbands Cancer and  my sons Cancer.  That person is gone and I am looking at the world in a completely new way and I like most of what I see and I like some of the changes I have made, so to me this is a new beginning, a new journey in life and a whole new world opening up to me and I am ready for the opportunity to live it and live it well!
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