I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

It’s been a mixed up meshed up couple of weeks….

I have been silent of late, something I am very aware of. I have felt my world slowly spinning out of control and have not known how to stop it. All it takes is for one person to say the wrong thing and all hell breaks loose.

What people don’t stop to think is that I am already punishing myself ENOUGH for not being able to take part in everyday life, I do not NEED nor WANT any further reprimand from them. I am fully and totally aware of the fact that my life is “meshed” up! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I want to say to these people, “Please don’t rub my face in the obvious fact of me not being apart of your world anymore than what I have already done to myself”, but for sake of an argument and the fact I simply dont have the energy to argue anymore, I just let it go. At what price do I pay for that though, a HUGE emotional one.

Something I have started to do of late is dodge bullets. When I see someone is winding up to a confrontation, I either divert the subject or excuse myself from the conversation and if this means putting the phone down during the conversation, then that is what I have been doing. I do not want to say something I will be sorry about down the road.

There are days that I don’t even have time for myself in terms of showering, eating, cleaning the house, or just chilling as the days are filled with many emails that need returning, Lawyer information to gather up and CPP information to gather up, just to name a few things. I spend HOURS every single day on the computer searching all the various aspects of the MESH and what it has done not just to me personally but all the women who read my blog and contact me. I don’t begrudge one second of my time being spent on researching though, I am very passionate about this cause and I plan to help spread the word GLOBALLY so other women do not have to go through the hell I have been through so far and all the other wonderful “mesh” people I have met. 

My new “mesh” friends are each others  safety lines, we reach out to each other in the dark of night when we cannot sleep, we comfort each other when things are not going well, we cry together and laugh together and share our inner most thoughts, the thoughts you have when you are at the bottom of the pit and wonder if you’re loosing it. I know I can tell anything and they will “get it” because  they have been there…we not only love and comfort each other, we also kick each others ass if we see them sliding and not able to get a handle on life, its then time to kick into high gear and pull them up, dust them off and tell them to get on with life. We don’t do it to hurt each other, we do it because we love each other and we ALL know the depths of despair, it’s just what you do when you see them sliding down the dark hole, you pull them back up with a firm but loving hand.

I am more than humbled though by this experience when I have women write to me and say, “Thank you, your story has stopped me from making a horrendous mistake by having this surgery”. It is a feeling I can not describe, there really are no words, there’s just a feeling of enormous gratitude that I have been given this opportunity to change someones life. If I had to go through what I have gone through to stop someone else from suffering, then it has been worth it a thousand times over.

 I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, I have always felt that but was never really sure what MY purpose in life would be. Yes I married the love of my life at 19, had two beautiful kids, had the dream house and all the frills, life was good and then my husband got sick and died. Ok, that was not part of my plan but it happened and I had to figure out what to do from there.

I always thought my purpose in life was to help my husband die with peace, grace and dignity, and I made it so. I remember thinking after he died that If I never do anything else great in my life again, I will have that.  I made a promise  to him to the day he was diagnosed that I would ALWAYS be by his side and I would surround him with the love of his family and friends and I would be there when he took his final breath, and I was. It all played out like a movie, it was strange and surreal all at the same time.

I was hopelessly lost in my world after his death for about 2 years, I roamed around wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next. Everything seemed to fall into place like a book though, it was strange how things just happened and before I knew it I had met James and knew he would be my partner for life. So when I had this surgery and started with all the complications, I was bewildered, I did not feel in control of my life any longer and I felt a burden. I needed a safe place to vent and I found it in the arms of my wonderful new mesh friends. As much as James and I are like two peas in a pod, there is so much of this nightmare that I can’t fully share with him or anyone because unless you have ever been through it, its something you can’t possibly understand and that doesn’t mean that you don’t care about me it just means its hard for you to fathom the scope or magnitude of this pinnacle event in my life as even I don’t fully understand all its ramifications. It’s literally and truly a day by day experience.

I am truly blessed to have wonderful family and friends who have stood by and supported me throughout all of the many events in my life that have changed and molded me into the person I am today, and believe me there are days I don’t even like myself! I never take for granted the people whom have loved me no matter what.

I do not plan on being silent for long…I jsut needed a couple of weeks to pull myself out of my own pity party and to get back my fighting spirit and I am happy to say I have found it!!



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