I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

I maybe more meshed up then ever but I am also more determined than ever to fight…

on May 1, 2012

I write today from the deepest darkest place in my heart, sharing with you  my most intimate thoughts of my life as a ‘meshie’.

Being a part of this elite group of wonderful people does not come lightly or with a low price tag, in fact it’s quite the opposite, you pay the highest price you will ever pay for something in your entire life, and the price is, your dignity, your pride, your relationships and your heart. You will share every aspect of your life with these people and yet the thing is, you would never want to be without them and ABLE to share, because these are the warriors I have now come to love and understand.

I always thought growing up as a young woman, my life would be a symbiotic event in which everything would fall into place as most of my other friends lives were. However mine had taken a drastic veer off course. I have also always believed that my life took this turn for me to learn and grow from it and to use it with purpose,  I didn’t know how or what I was supposed to do with this divine knowledge I had come to trust, but I knew at some point I would learn of it.

A lot of significant events have taken place in my life which I believe have shaped and molded me into the person I am today…a woman who will fight for justice in a situation in which there seems to be NO JUSTICE and that is the path of Transvaginal Mesh.

At present I am incensed, I  have had two events happen to me between yesterday and today that have shaken me to the very core. I believe I have had my first “Specialist” treat me with disdain…I felt sure he just wanted to tell me to get out of his office. He was abrasive and dismissive with my health concerns, which by the way is NOT Mesh related! I was almost humiliated by the experience but the “old” fighting Diane crept up and gave me a kick in the ass to not lay down and take this lightly. I will follow the issue up once I have pulled myself together and am not so damn angry.

The other event just happened and once again I am left sitting here scratching my head wondering WTF! My own Dentist refused to treat me last year due to my extensive health conditions and basically dismissed me as a patient. I thought I had found a new one until I received a phone call today stating “The Dentist is unable to see you as they don’t believe in “blanket” fixes”…my request was to simply make me pain-free until I can have the extensive work I require, done. When I pulled myself together I asked the receptionist flat-out, “Is it because of my health issues” and finally the truth, “yes”…WOW, that hurts…

I guess the most annoying part of this whole damn mesh deal is that I have been denied CPP disability because my condition is not “prolonged”! I am now having to fight my case in front of a Tribunal Hearing. Ok, lets run through this, I left my job due to health problems, a 30 year job I might add, Doctors have dismissed me, my dentist has dismissed me and now the Dentist I was hoping to take over has also dismissed me. My health is rapidly declining and my social circle is slowly closing in to a very select few people.

I am unable to walk for any length of time, I am unable to do the basic tasks in life-like taking a bath because I can’t get in and out of the tub on my own, grocery shopping is another nightmare because I can’t lift a number of items off the shelf if they are heavy, going for walks is out, looking after my grandchild is out, sitting in an upright position is damn right painful so I spend a lot of my days on my reclining couch so as not to disturb the mesh tentacles protruding into my organs and my vaginal opening, isn’t that a visual you never wanted to envision.

I spend hour upon hour every day researching the best surgeons for mesh removal, which I have already been told will not be TOTAL, which is less than ideal for a complete recovery. I spend hours talking with women who are just starting out with their mesh journey, I cry with them and then try to give them hope. I preach to them, “we must never lose hope” and yet day by day as I see my life as I knew it slipping  away, I am the one loosing hope.

I am now in the midst of a battle with CPP, one more battle I don’t have the strength to fight but rest assured, I will NOT GIVE UP! I believe in the depths of my soul I will fight them because guess what, I AM UNABLE TO WORK! I can barely function in day-to-day tasks let alone having to go outside of my home and work! It’s not that I don’t want to work, I DO, I enjoyed being a contributing member of society and am sad I am not able to do that any longer.

What infuriates the hell out of me is it was our own Government who did not warn me of the dangers of mesh, all the while they knew it was dangerous because they publicly issued a warning through Health Canada, and yet when I am implanted with said device and encounter numerous illness’, too many to list, it is our very same Government who is saying, “No, we will not support you in your efforts to secure CPP Disability”!

 Can someone please explain to me what I am missing here!!! I just don’t get it! Is it me or is it a badly abused system that is now fighting back? I agree the system is abused but you know what, why doesn’t the Government review some of the people on CPP for the past 20 years and see if they are still disabled or could return to work in some capacity? I feel like I am being chastised for even applying for CPP!!! Do I not have rights? How much of my life do I have to validate and justify to prove to the “system” I am unable to work? God knows I have put enough of my intimate details out there already for public scrutiny! End of rant!

However, today I feel validated and empowered to keep fighting, to keep educating and to keep advocating the dangers of mesh but most of all  to keep the faith that one day all the fighting , educating and advocating will pay off in that mesh will be a thing of the past. I will also implore this in my quest for justice with CPP Disability.

“I am STRONG because I am weak…I am BEAUTIFUl because I know my flaws…I am a LOVER because I am a fighter…I am FEARLESS because I’ve been afraid…I am WISE because I’ve been foolish…and I LAUGH because I have known sadness”

5 responses to “I maybe more meshed up then ever but I am also more determined than ever to fight…

  1. Ruth says:

    Diane, thank you for writing; you are speaking for all of us. Thank you for fighting; you are fighting for us all. Thank you for not giving up; your hope inspires us all.


    • You are most welcome Ruth…writing is one of my passions and through writing I will educate and advocate on the horrors of mesh…my voice will be heard and will represent ALL of the mesh sufferers out there…this is my path in life and I am honored and thankful to be able to do this…


  2. Mariana griffith says:

    I had my mesh implant on January 3,2012 the mesh erosion inside the vagina, I had another surgery to fix that last Friday may 4,2012 and the pain is the same my life is ruin, I cannot believe that dr still using this and do not tell their patient the possible complications, the pain is so big that not pain killer reduced it, I cannot seat I cannot be on bed I cannot be standing I don’t have more life.my has and got hurt with the mesh and since that he never touch me again


    • I am so sorry for your pain. There are many forums for support, I would suggest you join one and read of others plight to know ou are not alone…if you need guidance or assistance in this please feel free to email me or send a message here on my BLOG page…hugs and prayers…


      • mariana griffith says:

        Thanks I want to know if it is a solution ,I am going tomorrow for my second surgery follow up and I will request the doctor to take out the mesh. It is anybody did that good good results, no more pain?


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