I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

Mesh leaves me speechless some days and that is a rare event…

Today is a difficult day…The past week has been a downward spiral and I am pretty sure I have hit rock bottom and if not, I am not sure how much lower I can get…

I am in a constant state of anxiety and that bothers me…I am always on edge, waiting for the next wave of panic to roll in, scoop me up and toss me back out to figure out this mesh sh*t ..I am tired, so very very tired…I have 3 weeks till surgery and wonder how I am going to find the strength to emotionally get to that day.

There have been some events that have taken place over the past few days that have hurt me deeply. I am the type of person who trusts to deeply to soon. I have always believed in the good of people and never think that there are people who are not looking out for your best interest. While I will not go into any details as to the nature of the events, I have learned a very big lesson, and that is to not ALWAYS  wear my heart on my sleeve…there are going to be times when opinions differ and that is OK…we dont all agree on everything.

Mesh does not only rob you of your physical self but also your emotional self. It is relentless in its ability to take hold of your life and make you feel a less than whole person. I am still figuring all of this out on a daily basis and every single day something mesh related happens that astounds me. I often wonder if there will ever be a time when Mesh is not in my life (by my choice) in one way or another…Regardless of the outcome of my mesh story, I know one thing to be true, I will ALWAYS be involved in Mesh Education and Mesh Advocating.

Does Mesh define friendships and relationships? Absolutely it does. There are days I want to just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed…I want to close the world out because when people ask how you are, you either have to paint on the happy face and say, “Fine” or you tell the truth and then have to deal with the reaction you are going to get. When you are in your own “comfort zone” you are not obligated to say anything to please anyone, you are just you and if that’s a pajama, chic flick crying type of day, then so be it…I have figured out now that I don’t have to validate those days.

I have found a safe haven, so to speak, from my mesh reality and that is to write. Writing is a cleansing of the soul, it allows me to shed the pain of mesh…it frees my mind of all the “what ifs” because I am able to release my pain whether it be an emotional release or a physical release.

Also along this path I have found some wonderful new friends and so in one way, I am very grateful I have had to take the mesh road because from the destruction of mesh comes the bonds of friendships I would not have otherwise had the pleasure of knowing. I will say it again, “Through our greatest adversities comes our greatest strengths”.

I believe everything happens for a reason and if this was my chosen path, then I will walk it with my head held high and make the best of my “Meshed up Life”.






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