I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

Those who Inspire me….

I have been busy all morning putting together my new FB page about my BLOGS, it is tedious work but fulfilling. As I was about to close it up for the afternoon I had this sudden urge to write about my inspirations in my life. I don’t know how and why this thought became so urgent but it did, so I go with my gut and write from my heart.

I have gone through tragedies in my life that have definitely made me a better person in some ways but they have also made me a harder person and I have built my “wall” ever so high as to not let many people in. This is not the way I want to live, I want my life to be open and inviting, encouraging and supportive and most of all compassionate in how I respond to people and how I portray the events that have taken place in my life to them.

My biggest inspirations would have to be my kids, hands down. They have gone through so much at such tender ages and yet they are remarkable people. They are kind and generous, loving and supportive, outspoken and emphatic but most of all plain dam fun! I love being around them! They make me laugh and give me hope for a better tomorrow on the days I am sad.

When my kids were 14 and 16 their Dad was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor, the prognosis was from day one, “your husband will die from this tumor, Mrs Fichter, all we can do is keep him comfortable so that he may enjoy what life he has”. I was shaken to the very core for myself as a wife, but I was terrified at how I would tell my children. Ron and I made a decision that we would always be open and honest with them so I decided I would sit down with them and tell them with all honesty what lay ahead for our future.

I remember there being a lot of silence…I wasn’t sure what to do with that…they were shell-shocked and did not know how to respond to what I had just dumped in their laps. At this point it was best to let them think it through and if they had questions they knew they could ask us anything and we would tell them the truth.

They watched in horror the devastation the Brain Tumor took on Ron and on our family. Their Dad was no longer the Dad they knew and loved, he was a man with scars on his brain from surgery, he was a man who was put through 36 FULL brain radiation treatments, he was a man put through 2 1/2 yrs of chemotherapy…he was a man who was not the man we all knew and loved…surgery, steroids, radiation and chemo had robbed him of all this…we never knew on a daily basis how he would respond to things so the kids pretty much stayed clear of any outbursts. As time went on and the devastation of Brain Cancer was taking its toll on Ron, they spent more time with him and he cherished that…The Ron we all knew and loved used to shine through brilliantly some days and those were the days you embellished in and made your memories and told him how very much you loved him.

They saw the first hand horrors of what Brain Cancer does to you when you can no longer look after yourself…my daughter and I went through some very trying days when Ron could not feed or dress himself…there were days he tried to get out of bed to the shower and he would fall and I would yell for Teisha to help me…we would grab hold of his arms and try to pull him towards the bed all the while laughing our guts out because every once in a while Ron would crack some smart ass joke about the whole situation and we would ALL end up in hysterics. You had to be able to see the humour in the situations we sometimes encountered because if you didn’t, you would recoil into your own little world and cry. I wanted my kids to grow up as strong human beings capable of enduring and persevering through trying times and yet at the same time, I wanted them to know it is OK to cry and to be sad and to wear your heart on your sleeve.

My kids should have never been exposed to any of that though…they should not have had to watch a parent be stripped of his dignity and pride…it’s just not right. Through it though they became these people I have come to love and adore beyond words…they walked alongside me during a very very painful time in my life and for us having shared that, we are a force to never be reckoned with…our bond is stronger than anything that gets thrown in our path because we have endured adversity and pain to the cores of our being and we prevailed even stronger and more united.

I also want to mention here that 3 years after my husband passed away, my son was diagnosed with a high-grade Melanoma. I clearly remember the day I got the phone call at work from his wife, Amanda, she asked if I was sitting down and if not, then I should. I honestly thought she was going to tell me they were pregnant…naivety to the nines! When she told me they were at the Cancer Clinic because Mike had just had a mole biopsy 2 weeks prior ( I never knew any of this was taking place) and it came back positive, it was a good job I was sitting because my knees buckled and I let out a noise even to this day I don’t know how to describe, it came from a place within me I had not known…I am not exactly sure what I said but I knew I had to get out of there and be with my son.

That was a very trying time for me…I was USED to Cancer, which is rather odd but never the less true, but I was NOT used to not being in the driver’s seat when it came to decisions! My son was a grown man, engaged and well on his way to pursuing his own goals in life. He did not need, nor want me to make any decisions…I was in a place I had not known but I knew I did not like it. I wanted to tell them to be aggressive, take everything, do chemo, do radiation, so this or that or whatever to save his life, but at the end of the day my son made some very difficult decisions…he only wanted surgery, nothing else…he saw the path his father took from Cancer and he did not want to live that way, so he choose no treatments other than surgery. I was devastated to say the least. We had many “discussions” about it but ultimately it was his and his wife’s decision. I am happy to say he choose wisely and is doing exceptionally well! What a very brave young man, only 22 at the time, to be able to deal with all of that in such a mature way. I am so proud of him, and thrilled beyond words he only has 1 year before he is considered CANCER FREE!!!! My son has taught me so many lessons in life because of what he has endured and I am and will always be so very very proud to say he is MY son…

My daughter inspires me every single day…she has blossomed into the most beautiful fun-loving young woman. She was once very shy and withdrawn, we worried she would not flourish in her life…She has proven to me she can take on the world quite nicely, thank you very much!! lol She has gone through hard times besides her Dad’s death and yet she is the one in the family that can rationalize everything and take the good from a bad situation. She misses her Dad beyond words and yet she is the first one to say, ‘He is in a better place”. She is selfless and loving and she amazes me every day and inspires me to do more and be more. I also have to add that she is the most fantastic Momma to Lily! I have seen a side of her I did not know she had but I am so proud of her! Lily is one very very lucky little girl to have the wonderful Momma she has!

I then thought to myself that Ron has and still does inspire me..he taught me lessons about love and life that I would have never known if we had not gone through his Brain Cancer journey…to this day I can still hear him cheering me on and telling me to fight, never back down, do what you feel in your heart he would say…always be true to yourself and as long as you do that, you will never go wrong in our life. In death he moves me to tears still but they are no longer sad mournful tears, they are tears of great pride for a man I loved so deeply and he will always have a spot in my heart that is his and his alone.

James, my James…what can I say…He and Ron are so different in every way and it has always amazed me how I could pick such opposite men to love! James is a true blessing and a gift from God…he walked into my life when it was completely upside down and never blinked an eye. He has stood beside me through good and A LOT of bad and yet we are a magnificent couple…we have such admiration and respect for each other and I am so thankful that our paths crossed in life when they did. James changed my life and me as a person so significantly at a time I needed it the most. He cheers me on and yet will tell me if he thinks I am being a biotch or unreasonable for no reason! I was never used to a man pointing out my flaws so that was a whole new avenue for me to go down! lol I can’t imagine him not being in my life…he grounds me and loves me for me and that is what it is all about.

I have always felt that I have not lived my life with passion and purpose but now I know without a doubt, I have found my passion, to write and my purpose, to Advocate and Educate the horrors of Mesh. It is only when we look beyond our own life do we see the true beauty of the world and what it has to offer…we just need to open our eyes, our mind and our hearts to the “possibilities” of the unknown.

Lastly I would like to say that for all the adversity and pain in my life, I have had just as much, if not more, blessing and love…I am and always will be truly grateful and thankful to the people who have stood by me during the hard times and also laughed with me through the good and the absurd times. I am blessed beyond words…

God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

 

“Counting Time is Not as Important as Making Time Count”

 

 

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Just “meshing” with ya today….

So, as promised I am sharing my story from my surgery day! Never a dull moment in my life and even if the laugh was on me, it was a good one!!

As most of you know, I had a series of 4 operations last year…I did well with all the anesthetics except the last one for some reason. I remember waking up on the OR table and seeing a bright light above me…I clearly remember thinking to myself, WTF, did I die?!! No freakin way! Ok, just so you all know, I have had a near death experience and know what the bright lights and tunnel thing are all about…I was freaking out thinking, “Holy Sh*t’, this time I actually bit the dust! Well, within probably 30 seconds of all of this happening the anesthetist was pulling the tube out of my throat and calling my name. My first words were, “Am I  dead?” he laughed and re-assured me I had not gone towards the bright light! Phew, dodged that bullet!!

So, when I went for my anesthetists consult the week before this surgery, I kept this in mind to tell the Dr. about it. He was a wonderful English man who really had my best interest at heart…he did comment that I had a “checkered” past! Gee thanks! He spent an hour with me going through every intricate detail. At the end of our hour I told him about my “bright light” experience and he said not to worry about it, he would not let that happen…ok, so this guys a keeper!

I was extremely nervous about the whole surgery deal as the Surgeon couldn’t really tell me how it would go until he “got in there”…sounds gross, but that’s just the way he put it to us.

We got to the hospital and got me checked in and settled. James was such a trooper, he HATES hospitals and yet he never left my side, even when the nurse asked him to step out for a moment he was reluctant and questioned as to why he had to leave, she said well I’m going to start her IV…enough said, James was gone!! lol

So, IV is in and the anesthetist comes in to talk to me again, we go over a few details, he asks once again if I would prefer a Spinal and once again I say NO, I don’t want to see or hear any of you while your “down there” thank you very much, no offence! He laughed and said, ok, it’s a deal…The nurse comes back in and talks to James and I about the drugs they are going to run through me and when she said you are having a prophylactic antibiotic my heart leapt in my chest…James knows my reactions to things very well, he can read me like a book, so he asks is it necessary and she says, yes, Dr ordered it…Now don’t get me wrong, the Nurse I had was fantastic and understood my fears and was very patient with me. She told me the name of the drug and I said, well that aint happening, I had a reaction to that last summer…ok, at this point I already have THREE very red bands on my arm from all my allergies!!!! So, the nurse checks with the Surgeon and we switch to a different drug…I’m having a heart attack by this time as I am scared to death of Anaphylactic Shock, if you’ve never had it there are no words to describe that feeling of knowing you could die…The surgeon came back to see me and we decided to not start the drip until I’m in the OR…phew!

The Nurse then hands me a prescription for after care meds…anti-immflammatories and pain pills…I read it and yep, once again, can’t take them…I now have another beautiful red band added! Surgeon comes back again and says you really are a challenge, aren’t you, and hands me a prescription for T3’s and says, can you take these, YEP I say, it’s a go! …James and I couldn’t discern whether he was joking, serious or plain pissed off he had to keep coming to talk to me! lol

The OR nurses come to the pre-op room to introduce themselves and comment on me being a “difficult case” and the Dr’s all being on edge…ok, seriously, that’s not something you say to a patient who is heading into surgery! WTF!!!! I’m stressed to the max at this point and irritated because it’s not like this is my first operation, I had 4 in just 5 months last year! James takes my hand and squeezes it hard to let me know everything will be ok…they tell me its time to go and James leaves, looking back at me until I’m out of sight…

The OR nurse knows I am really scared so she says, are you up for a walk?, I’m thinking a walk, where the hell to…I say sure where we going and she laughs and explains that if I am up to walking to the OR my mind will be preoccupied and I won’t be so nervous…what the hell I say and off we go…Strange having to walk to the OR!!!

So we are walking along and passing all the OR’s and I can see the surgeons heads and think to myself, I should have taken the free stretcher ride instead, this is creepy!!! lol   I’m in OR 8 and we are at OR 6 and a nurse says to me, “hey, you’re the mesh lady, aren’t you?”…Yep thats me! She says so are you going to get them to just fix the mesh and add more?”  I’m looking at this woman thinking are you out of your freaking mind!!! I tell her quite emphatically, “NO, I want it ALL out of me”!!!!! Ok, now we are passing OR 7 and another Nurse says to me, “We heard about the bright lights story, that was a good chuckle”. Seriously what the F is wrong with you people…you don’t say that to someone who is one door away from her destination! I say Yes to the nurse and keep going…I am half chuckling under my breath cause it is actually kind of funny but then I am also a little chuffed because how do these people know all this stuff! This is not something I wanted to be famous for! One of the Nurses even saw the CTV news piece a few of us “meshies” were in…

We get to my OR and I make my grand entrance and am received with a round of applause! Ok, this is just too much! They say I am well-known in the OR department…do I really want to know or can someone just shoot me up with some good drugs and put me out of my misery…but oh no, true to form, Diane has to know…so I say, “and why is that?”…Well honey, my OR nurse says, you have led a very interesting life…we’ve read your surgical reports and you have been a busy lady and have kept all the Dr’s here on their toes…ok, cool…like seriously, what do you want me to say to that!

I need help getting on the OR table because of my knees but once there I am reminded again of the fear…its creeping back into me…I’m trying to take deep breaths and relax and thankfully my anesthetist walks in all chipper and singing…he asks me what my anxiety is on a scale of 1-10 and I yell 15 before he even has chance to finish his sentence…hes says to me, “really, we’ll have to do something about that then’…and the next thing I know he is standing over me and asking me how I feel now…I stumble over my words, ‘I feel fabulously and awesome” and sometime in that sentence I remember the mask over my face and the inevitable take deep breaths Diane, deeper, relax and poof, I’m gone….

I wake up in the OR and the first thing I see again is the dam bright light but my anesthetist is right in my face saying, “its alright dear, it’s not THE BRIGHT LIGHT, it’s just the OR light, you are fine and on your way to the recovery room’….Ahhhhhh….I made it….sleep comes swiftly now….I don’t know how much pain meds I had but I felt good in terms of pain…I’m in and out of sleep when I hear, ‘Walter, its time to wake up’…”Walter, your surgery is over, WAKE UP”…Ok, I know I’m NOT Walter so who the F is Walter and why are you yelling at him? My nurse comes over with more pain meds, which I accept graciously and doze off again only to awaken to, “Walter your surgery is done, you NEED to wake up, come on WALTER, wake up”…Ok, I am seriously ready to kick Walters ass and so I yell, “Walter, if you don’t wake up IM gonna come over there and wake you myself”!!! The Nurses all start laughing and Walter wakes up!! Funny thing is, he got mad at me for yelling at him! lol  I said your just damn lucky I didn’t come over there!

My surgeon comes into the recovery room and tells me he got a lot out but there is still mesh on the Obturators and he can’t get that off…The mesh was put in a kit sent to the hospital by the Research Lab and then sent to them for analysis. My surgeon gives me the spiel about a long recovery, take care, don’t do this or that and then leaves. The anesthetist once again comes over to see me and he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “You did good Diane”…I tell him, “No, YOU did good Doc, you were right in my face when the bright light hit me and told me I was very much alive, THANK YOU!” We mutually agree we are a good team and the drug part of the surgery was a success! I told him I want him at all future surgeries and he said  I could request him…he said we are keeping your medical records on file here so you dont have to go through all the paper work again…Im so Special!!! lol

I’m in the post op room now getting ready to go and my son-in-law is on the phone with James making sure I am ok…I know my daughter is just like me, a worrier so he wanted to be able to tell her that her Mom is fine…and truly I was…

It has been an interesting recovery so far….At 4 days out I was choked about how I was still feeling and phoned my Surgeon…he said that I am right on track and A LOT of his women patients phone during the first week to see if they can do this or that….Today I am 7 days post op and still on drugs, feeling more tired than I have ever been in my life, and still really really sore…I phone my surgeon once again he assures me I am doing well and I am NOT 7 days out, I am 6 days out….I argue with him it’s actually 7 days and he says NO its 6, we don’t count the surgical day as day 1…ok, now I am feeling ripped off….hmmmm….no rebuttle to that so I thank him for his time and hang up….

All in all I would say I am healing well…When I was told it would be a long recovery I can now see why….there are so many physical  changes going on in my body and then there is the emotional part of all of this. I feel violated and angry that I have had to go through all of this…By the same token I feel thankful that I am able to advocate and educate other women contemplating this surgery…its a weird place to be…

I believe everything in life happens for a reason…I went through all I did when I was a teenager that prepared me for my role in helping my husband die with peace, grace and dignity…I endured his illness by believing in myself and my abilities to make his request of dying at home a reality…I also believe I have gone through this mesh mess in order to help others NOT go through it…

Life is about choices, we all have to make them and sometimes we make the wrong ones only to be put back on the right track…sometimes that track is a learning experience. I also believe there are no regrets in life…everything I have gone through, all the choices I have made, good or bad, have been for a reason….they may not have turned out the way I had planned but I dont look at it as a regret, it is a learning experience, take what you can from it and move on with your life.

So, here’s to another surgery done and now I let my body heal and prepare for the next round….mesh does NOT define me, I define me and mesh can go to hell!

“Often daunted, NEVER defeated”

 

 

 

 

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Facing my “mesh” demons today and ready to kick “mesh” butt!

Today I am confronted with demons…they are all around me, in my head, in my stomach, in my past, present and future…my demons are my fear…

You would think that starting this new journey to being mesh free would be exciting and empowering, but I am scared to have the surgery, scared NOT to have the surgery, happy I am having surgery and damn angry I must have this surgery. I’m angry I have been put in this spot of having these feelings. I am just trying to confront my fears today and in doing that I have unleashed a bucket load of emotions I was unaware of. Have I consciously sat down and thought about my emotions in the preceding few weeks, NO, I have avoided that whole process and yet today they have literally jumped up and bit me in the ass.

I don’t know why I have been hit with this today, probably a combination of events over the last few weeks…I have been up to my eye balls in paper work (don’t even get me started on this issue!!!) for CPP, I have been busy with emails and phone calls…I have been trying to prepare for surgery making sure James doesn’t have to do grocery shopping or stuff, I wanted to make sure my ironing and laundry are done…I wanted to be in control of all of that, that’s just my nature, asking for help is not something I like to do. So, I have attended to all the things I needed to and feel good that it is done.

I saw my Dr this morning for the final green light and felt he was awfully reserved, he did what he needed to do and as I was trying to ask him questions it was almost like he was pre-occupied…He said to me, “your blood pressure is very low, 90/60, make sure you tell them before your surgery”…I have had issues since Mesh of my blood pressure being low and my pulse high…I take meds for it and although the meds control my heart rate, they make my blood pressure go down. We have tried to change meds with no success…so, I guess I must remember to mention it to the Nurses…

I’m am also feeling very angry about this whole mesh situation…I am not in an “accepting your path in life” road today…Normally I can put things into prospective and give myself a good talking to and get my butt in gear and quit with the pity party…today I am just to damn mad. So, I’ve decided for today, and today only, I will just be pissed off.

As much as the day feels like a write off, I had one really bright spot this morning and that was seeing my daughter in law, Sara, and her very cute pregnant belly!!! It’s her 30th birthday so I wanted to take her some flowers and give her a hug, hugs always make you feel better, not matter how shitty your day feels! 

So on that note  I have tomorrow to look forward to…I get to spend the day with my daughter and my Lily, James will be home in the late afternoon and I will have snapped out of my “feels sorry for myself” mood and get on with the task of regaining my life!

Mesh will NOT defeat me, it may deflate me every now and then, but it will not BREAK me or my spirit!

“Often daunted, NEVER defeated”

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Gifts of love and the wrath of mesh…oh what a day!

I saw my Orthopaedic Surgeon yesterday and thought I was prepared for the outcome, wrong, I got another kick in the proverbial ass…I think in the back recess’ of my mind I knew what was in store for me but in the upfront minds eye, I had talked myself out of the repercussions of what lay ahead.

In the week leading up to my apt with my Surgeon, my mind has been pre-occupied with some wonderful friends in my life and the events that changed their worlds. There have been 3 deaths amongst my circle of friends in the 2 previous weeks. That in itself makes you sit up and go WTF! I may not be a friend that can physically be there but I always try to reach out via email or text and let them know how important they are to me and although I’m limited in my physical abilities, they are held in my heart dearly.

It was a beautiful sunny day and I wanted to drop off a little gift for them prior to my Apt. I picked a wind chime…to me a wind chime signifies freedom from the pain suffered by these important people who had passed away. They say every time a bell rings, an Angel gets his wings, so following on with that analogy, every time the chimes chime, they will be reminded of their loved ones and that although they are no longer here in body, their soul still surrounds them with love.

It was a lovely morning connecting with these friends and it reminded me of how important it is to stay connected to them to the best of my abilities. The original plan was to drop their gifts off on the front steps and leave the little surprise for them but I got caught by 2 friends who opened their doors as I was trying to drop and run! I’m glad though that I was able to have a quick visit with them before I had to go to my apt.

So, with the gifts done it was time to get down to the business of the day, find out the results of my tests for both knees…I got to the office and as I was pulling in, a woman flagged me over and gave me a ticket for her spot that was good for another 2 hours! WOW I thought, it felt like I had won the jackpot or something! Karma, give a gift and it will come back to you…so from someone giving me a simple parking ticket I felt I had conquered the day and nothing could bring me down!

I go into the office and await my fate…I, by the way, am the youngest in the office by about 25 years!! I had a little chuckle to myself as all eyes were on me…I was not at all surprised when an older gentleman said to me, ‘My dear, you are too young to be here, are you sure you have the right office”? He was genuinely convinced I did NOT need an orthopaedic surgeon and wouldn’t have any part of me trying to convince him unfortunately I do. I was happy when my name was called because I didn’t want to argue the merits of my predicament any further with this gentleman!

My surgeon doesn’t waste anytime getting down to business and although I thought I was prepared, I wasnt at all. He showed me my X-Rays and described in great detail the issues of my “disease”, which has now been formally named as “advanced severe osteoarthritis” in both knees. There it was out, the words I didn’t want to hear. So in my usual inquisitive nature, I jump right in with “so how do we fix this”? I was NOT prepared for, “We don’t fix it, we figure out how to manage it”. Oh…ok, that was my worst nightmare becoming my reality. Did I think this is how the apt would go, yes, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it until it was said. So now its out there and I have to figure out how to deal with it.

I started asking questions and my Surgeon would barely get one answered before I threw another at him, finally he said to me, “Diane, lets focus on one question at a time”. Oh…I think I was just wanting to get the hell out of there without fully understanding the ramifications of the diagnosis. If I don’t hear it, then it’s not happening. Wouldnt that be nice, just sweep it under the rug and poof, its gone…problem is my rug is getting a lot of dust under it!

The options put to me are few due to all the health issues from the mesh but I listen eagerly for a “bright” spot in there some where. Option 1 is steroid injections which will buy me some relief for maybe 3-6 months, ok, so that is just one knee and then I must have steroids in the other knee…so, say I have 3 a year on one knee, in total I am looking at 6 a year for both knees, that seems like a lot of steroids for “possible” pain relief and the very real risk of anaphylactic Shock. Option 2 is a gel substance that is injected into the knee between the parts that are bone on bone and causing the pain, option 2 problem, Surgeon is very concerned about once again a high risk of Anaphylactic Shock. Ok, option 3, total knee replacement for BOTH knees. Again, more complications because although the knee itself if made from chrome, the pivot piece of the device is plastic…the concern is that with my body rejecting the mesh as a foreign body, there is a very real possibility of my body rejecting the knee as a “foreign body”. Also I would have to be on antibiotics prior to surgery which in itself is a whole other nightmare due to the fact I am allergic to almost everything on the market, ok, so now what do we do!

I can tell my surgeon is clearly agitated because I am not going to be an easy fix by any means and I get the feeling he is a man who does not like to be conquered! At the end of the day it all boils down to outweighing the pros and cons and right now, the cons are much more real.  I asked him about pain control and mobility issues and he said he can’t give me any of the conventional drugs as I am allergic to some of the ingredients in them so its Advil and Tylenol. As for mobility, the only way I am going to get mobility is from total replacements and that will have to be down the road after all the bladder surgeries.  So, after a lengthy discussion we agree to re-visit this dilemma in the fall after my bladder surgery. I am less than impressed and feel like something was taken from me again, my hopes and my dreams…

My Surgeon will be writing out a report to my Dr and in it he will state the limitations the arthritis has and will put on my life in terms of working which as he said, I wont be able to do. So, if anything good came from the visit, it is my CPP Tribunal will be very enlightening to the board and very validating for me. I am not wanting to take anything from the system, but I will fight for I believe I am entitled to.

When I talked to James last night, he was the never-ending source of encouragement…he said where there’s a will there’s a way and we are not defeated, we will just have to re-adjust our plans for our future, we will not let our future be taken from us, we will just have to figure out different ways of doing all the things we want to do. I never cry on the phone with James…he is 18 hours away and I know how upset he gets when I’m upset so I try to hold it all together and laugh and joke with him about being a handicap…he throws jokes my way and gets me laughing and for a brief period of time I forget my “mesh” life…

Once I hung up from him, I had a damn good cry. I earned that one and I made it a good one! Then I phoned my Mom and after a lengthy conversation with her and her “stories” I decided to call both sisters and see if we needed to step in and do something. At the end of the night we decided that although her “stories” are becoming more and more real to her, she is not hurting anyone so we feel for now she is still able to stay where she is.

Today I am chilling, I am really really drained and I need to rest and get ready for Thursday when I will be at the hospital for my anesthetist consult and tests. My son is taking me and we will go have lunch after and I MAY even attempt a visit to IKEA…I don’t think I can walk it so I may either have to take my crutches or sit in a wheel chair…haven’t decided how I feel about that yet…I am looking forward to spending the day with my son though, we don’t get a lot of time together with him and Amanda both on shift work so I really treasure what little time we do have.

On Friday Teisha and Lily are planning on spending the day with me…I cant wait to see my little sweet pea!!! She is such a little ham now and its highly unlikely she will fall asleep in this Nana’s arms!!! lol Regardless, I am very excited to spend the day with them!

I am getting my hair done on Saturday…going more blonde…I was wrestling with the idea of waiting till after surgery but I thought I would feel better going into surgery with my hair all pretty and my toes nails painted all pretty…James laughed at me when I told him..he said like your Surgeon cares if you have pretty toes and hair…I secretly think he is a wee bit jealous but of course I would NEVER say that to him, it’s actually quite cute and endearing!

So as Mesh once again spills over into other areas of my life, everyday is a new day of learning not only about mesh but about myself. I have come to learn that I am resilient and I will not back down, I may get tired and have days when I just don’t give a damn but then there are more days that are “WTF, I am NOT giving into this”!

“The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step”

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