I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

The upside of Mesh!

on November 14, 2012

I have been trying to write for the past few weeks or so and haven’t been able to…something is blocking me from confronting the enormity of my health issues and personal issues. I still really don’t know where to begin so I’m just gonna wing it! This post may not even be about me and mesh! It will be whatever my fingers type!

So much has happened lately that has rocked my world and led me down a very long dark tunnel spiralling down faster and faster. There have been personal issues that threw me a curve ball and I have had to sit down and pretty much re-evaluate many friendships because I clearly have not given to them what they have given to me.

When James and I were still in the first year stage of our relationship I remember him telling me one time that he felt I gave way more to our relationship than he did, he couldn’t be further from the truth! He is the person who is not afraid to hit below the belt! Some of his blows have been very hard to hear and very hard to accept but most of them were worthy of a kick in the ass, for me.

The only thing I ask of my family and friends is that you love me for me…not for what you want me to be or who I used to be but who I am NOW. I am different and I know that but I feel different in a better way, despite my whining and blubbering now and then, because I have learned so much from this Mesh “test”. There are days I have wished I had never had the surgery because I will never get back the “old” Diane, but that is not a bad thing either because I think “old” Diane was a tad bit snooty and uppity (don’t even know if that’s a word but I just threw it out there!!! lol) and needed a smack upside the head. Boy did I ever get a good smack!

As my life is quickly changing day by day and I am having to learn how to prioritize the things I do in my life, I am learning to let go of the things in life that used to bug me. I used to clean my house every day, (seriously who does that!!!)  I ironed EVERYTHING I wore, even my jammies, man what a nerd, I alphabetized my DVD’s, I must have everything in its proper place before I go to bed, drives James crazy, I ALWAYS lay on my left side in bed and after 10 minutes (I even check the clock to make sure it is 10 min) I roll over onto my right side, pull the blankets up to cover my ear and hopefully drift off to sleep…I wonder why James decided to stay at his house during the week!! lol

I no longer care about the housework or the DVD issue, I still iron but not my jammies, I don’t care about stuff being in its right place because its only gonna get moved the next day! I just let things be, if my house is a little untidy, oh well, don’t visit! I am also learning to stand up for myself…I don’t like confrontation, never have and expect I never will but the difference is now I say something, I don’t let it fester and then one day blow up and regret my words. Words are everything, once they are out there, they are out there, you can’t take ’em back! There have been a few “word” conversations this past month that have left me wondering WTF?! Why do people have this insane desire to hurt you? Are they intentionally hurting you, gosh no, I don’t think anyone intentionally sets out to hurt someone they care deeply for, but the words get thrown out to ya and then you have to decide what the hell to do with them. After 51 years I am FINALLY learning to say, “Wait a minute, what did you mean by that”? That is very hard for me to do, it’s just easier to let it slide but then it eats my insides out for days, sometimes weeks and months and some times even years…that is just plain stupid!

I have been fighting for my rights with regards to CPP Disability and came to the realization about 2 months ago that I can’t do this alone, and that was very hard for me to admit and hard to give up control to someone else. I have to choose my battles wisely these days as my energy level is very limited. I have come to learn that delegating is a wonderful thing but that doesn’t mean I LIKE it!!!

Over the last few months we have welcomed 2 babies to our family and congratulated my nephew on his Engagement! Its been a wonderful time yet I feel very distant from it. I saw the birth of one of my grandchildren and that was a moment I will never be able to beat…what a remarkable day that was…thank you so much Sara, you gave me a little piece of heaven that day and I hope you know how much I love you! I finally got to meet my nieces baby on Sat at Lily’s birthday…he is soooooo cute!! He is now 2 months old and his eyes were wide open for a bit and I got to hold him! I love snuggle-bugging babies!!! Life is so good in so many ways. We have new life in our family, so many things to be thankful for and yet I carry this mesh burden on my shoulder every single day making me decide what I can expend my energy on and what I have to let go…I hate it cause I want to part-take in all of it and I refuse to let mesh take away everything!

Then we had Lily’s first birthday on Nov 10…I don’t know how she got to be a year old so fast! Where the heck did that year go to!!! There are not enough words in this entire universe to express my love for this little munchkin! She is such a cheeky little monkey but very smart and knows how to twist anyones little finger! She was definitely the prima donna of the party! lol  Lily’s Mommy and Daddy are the best parents ever! They are so calm and relaxed with her which in turn transcends to Lily being so laid back…not too much ruffles that little ones feathers!

I also want to acknowledge someone, who shall remain nameless, in my life whom is very special to me to know that you are loved, you are smart, you are beautiful inside and out, you make my life better by being in it, you are special and you matter. Whatever happens will happen for a reason and it may not be the outcome you want, but please know that we are here to support you and love you, always and forever, I swear on my knickers hanging on the door knob (inside joke!!!).

I also want to reach out to a very dear friend who is going through a very difficult time right now…I don’t know why life is as hard as it is but please know that I am always here for you…we’ve known each for 43 years so I think that in itself entitles me to hold your hand when you need guidance and lend a shoulder when you have a cry. I love you and am sorry for what you are going through.

Life is never still, it is constantly evolving and its hard to pick the right path, I want to help everyone but I can’t so I do the best that I can do and hope that I have reached out to the right people. It is the stillness that I am trying to work on right now…I need to still my mind because I still have many health challenges to go through and I need to direct my energy to an outcome that not only helps me but helps my loved ones.

I want to acknowledge my kids…they have seen too much heartache in their short lives and it’s just not fair, but from their experiences they have become more  compassionate. I hate what they have endured but we don’t get a say in whats in store for us, we take it as it comes and hopefully take what we can from the experience and then move forward. They deserve every happiness in the world!

To anyone else in my life who is battling challenges, battle only what you know will help you, don’t be afraid to ask for help, know that you are loved and you matter. Life is tough but as long as you remember to live in the moment, not the past or the present, you can’t change the past or the future but you can live for today.

I hope that in some small way I am helping people on their Mesh journies…We have to stick together and support each other to make our voices heard.

Tonight I go to bed knowing that I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life, I dont take my relationships for granted anymore and I thank God everyday for James, who is always there for me no matter what.

 

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.

I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.

I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.

I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.

I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.

I define myself by how much I have loved, and been willing to love again.

I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.

I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

I am not pain.

I am not my past.

I am that which has emerged from the fire.


2 responses to “The upside of Mesh!

  1. Carmel Berry says:

    Diane, you are an inspiration. “How to find happiness despite everything” … so much more positive than anything else I have ever read. xxx go for gold girl.

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  2. Diane Olsen says:

    I love reading all your posts…I have never…knock on wood…had any surgeries other than tonsils removed, a cyst on my lip and a toenail…all 45 or more years ago…makes me realize how truly lucky I am health wise…you have no idea how strong a woman you are and you really have some great mesh friends out there giving you all the support they can when it sounds like they to can use it to…to bad it took a medical problem to find all these truly remarkable sounding people…keep fighting girl!….the world could use more people like you!…

    Sent from my iPad

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