I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

The Value of of my Life….

I was recently asked by a very good intuitive friend of mine to answer two simple questions. Lets just say they were not simple and have haunted me for the last 5 days! Certainly gave me food for thought…my brain is on high alert as it is, now this new question just added more fuel to the fire.

So, the questions are, “What is the value of a life, ANY  life” and “What is the value of YOUR life”…WOW! Two huge questions to ponder. I’ve thought about it a lot these last few days because I am trying to find the “old” Diane, she went missing sometime last year and I want her back…as hard as it was sometimes I used to have a sense of humor…Its not there as much anymore…I am becoming cynical and negative and I don’t like who I am anymore.

So, the value of any life? First off I am the consummate believer. I believe that ALL people are good and that yes, sometimes people get “lost” like I have but overall the world is full of caring and compassionate people. The Value of ANY life to me means that all people want to have a good life, they believe in honesty, compassion and caring, they believe in having good morals and values, they help others and nurture the elderly and the sick.  I believe we all want world peace and all that mush stuff…I can’t imagine any one person starting out bad, I believe it is their family upbringing, their parents guiding them on the right path in life…or the lack there of, people can’t possibly start out bad, or can they?

James says I wear my heart on my sleeve and trust to easily, that used to really bother me but I do think he is right. Just because I think that’s how people should be does not mean they are. Do I live in a fairy tale world? Sometimes I think yes, I need to take my blinders off and take a good hard look at the world and figure out where I fit in.

If I were to answer this question (about the value of life) in all honesty I would say that pre-mesh and pre-Lupus I loved my life,  loved my freedom to be able to pick up and do whatever I wanted to. The value of my life at that time was to just enjoy my life. I had just gone through 6 years of Brain Cancer hell with my husband and his subsequent death. I didn’t want to think anymore, I just wanted to have a carefree life, no ties, no illness, no worries, I wanted my life to just be whatever I chose it to be on any  particular day.

After my husband’s death I lost a lot of weight, I was running three times a week, working out just about everyday. I was dating again which is a whole other Blog!!! Life was good, I spent a year and a half doing whatever the hell I wanted to do! I knew how to party and be flirtatious, I enjoyed the male attention I was getting, I am not embarrassed to admit that, life was grand and I was having the time of my life.

I met James in 2007 and I was content to be in a stable relationship but don’t get me wrong, it was also very difficult because in MY life, the men I loved either died or left me. My guard was up with James, I couldn’t believe he would hang in there through my health crisis’ which were completely separate from what I have now but none the less very significant. I was also dealing with my son just having been diagnosed with Cancer, life was all of a sudden very complicated and heart wrenching. James never wavered, he stood by me and helped me through the really rough times.

The value of my life at that particular time was to try to believe in the good of life but I couldn’t…How could I believe in the good when my 22-year-old son was struck down with Cancer? Wasn’t my husband dying from Cancer enough for one person? Why would God let this happen to my child, I couldn’t fathom for the life of me WHY…I prayed everyday for my son, for me being able to keep it together for him, to not let him see me sob my heart out at the thought of ANYTHING happening to him! I wore a painted on mask for my family and friends to see, I did not want them seeing the possibility of resignation in my heart. I believed it was extremely important to NOT let my kids see me cry, no matter how hard it was, I could not show them a weak Mom, they needed a strong mom who would guide our family through hell once again. My “value” at that time was very simple, it was to get my kids through this crisis unscathed.

I thank God everyday my son is now a healthy and happy man who has been declared Cancer free and my heart couldn’t be happier! He is pursuing his goals in life and achieving many of them! He is an inspiration to me on many days I am down, I look to what he has endured and that’s when I know I need to step it down  a notch in the “oh woos” me department.

So after we got through that crisis my kids both got married and life was really really good, I was finding my Value again and a lot of it was that I was so very proud of who these two wonderful kids, my husband and I raised, had become. We had done well and all though my husband is no longer here, I believe in the deepest part of my heart is ALWAYS with us at any given point in our lives.

Over the years my health declined significantly, and although I can’t go into a lot of detail on this subject, lets just say that I no longer believed in the good of all. I have been tested to my very being over the last 2 years and I know without a doubt in my mind I have become hardened and cynical and I DO NOT like this Diane. Once again James has stood by me and tried to guide me…there have been many an occasion I have built my wall again and tried to push the ones I love and who love me in return out of my life. That is how I deal with things when I am overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion, I shut down emotionally. This did not sit well with James and family and they will not allow me to push them away. I am now at a point of no return with my health, its do or die, time get sh*t or get off the pot.

My intent now is to find a surgeon who will get rid of ALL the mesh in me and get me back on the road to good health. This may involve leaving Canada to have the Surgery and it may involve me selling my home and downsizing in order to get the money I need to pay for the surgery, but if that’s what I need to do, then so be it. I can’t continue to live with the knowledge of what mesh is doing to my body. I need to take a stance and follow it through.

I have battled CPP for 26 months and won the fight many said I wouldn’t! I am immensely proud of myself for pursuing this even though it was sucking the life out of me everyday but I refused to give up on something I knew in my heart to be wrong…They, CPP, made it sound like I wanted a free ride in life, they did not look at the facts but every time they said NO, I pushed harder and fought harder, I don’t like defeat when I KNOW I am right!

Does it bother me that I feel like my life has been reduced to what it is right now, hell YES! I am fighting back though and willing to try anything to get back on my feet. I know I will have Lupus and a host of other Auto-immune diseases for life but that does not mean they will define me, they wont because I will never allow that to happen…I will find a way to live my life with purpose and conviction, I will educate and advocate the dangers of mesh but I will also reap the rewards of my hard labour because for every ONE women who cancels their mesh survey because of my story, I am humbled and immensely overwhelmed with joy.

I had an interesting scenario happen the other day and after it bothering me for a bit I decided to take it up with James to see if it was just my imagination or did it actually happen. When James and I first met he used to be jealous about another man looking at me…he didnt like it but I said to him, “Women look at you and it doesn’t bother me at all because I know you are mine”. So, I have noticed over the last few months things have changed, the women still look at James but now the people who do look at me do so with pain in their eyes as they see me with my cane in obvious pain and much to young to look like an old lady. Was I imagining this? I thought maybe but when I posed this question to James, he said No, he had also noticed people looking at me and feeling sorry for me. I don’t want pity, I want understanding because I am still Diane and I still have the same morals and values, probably more so now because of what I’ve been through.

Sometimes I feel completely invisible in my world trying to live with Mesh and Lupus…it gets very lonely some days so I have to figure out a way to deal with my emotions on those days.  It is only as lonely as I let it be when I have my guard up so as not to get hurt emotionally.

I am trying to embrace this new life and all the knowledge I have gained from it. I have decided to steer away from conventional medicine a bit and am becoming more inclined to go the “holistic” route. Obviously conventional medicine is not the be all end all because if it were I wouldn’t be in this mess, period!

So as I have tried to go through my life and its never-ending changing pace, the value of my life right now is my family, my Mom and my sisters,  James and my kids, and of course Lily, the reason for getting out of bed each day knowing that my daughter will send me a picture or a video of her on my iphone…those are the great days, her little face smiling at me and her kissing her phone as if she’s kissing Nana…it doesnt get much better than that. I love my little silly Lily more than I can say, she is cheeky and funny, how can you not love her to death!

So, as my life changes so do my values and that’s a good thing because it means I am finally becoming open to change. I have learned to let go of the little things and only fight what I know to be true in my heart. I can do this and I will do this, there may be bumps and curves along the way but I will enjoy the journey I am on because at the end of the day I have the love of my family and I couldn’t ask for much more than that other than the love of my grand-daughter, my Miss Silly Lily bum bum!!!!

 

“Often daunted, NEVER defeated”

 
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