I'm All Meshed Up

Bladder Mesh Surgery Gone Wrong

I’m not whining! It’s called “entitlement” to be whiny….

I wrote the attached BLOG two years ago. I cant believe I haven’t written for that long, so I am going to leave this post with you to read and digest.  I am working on a new post and will definitely post once I finish it! There is much to be said, good, bad, happy and sad, my life “post” mesh…

FEBRUARY 2014:

Ok…so I’ve neglected my blog lately mostly because I know there will be tears shed while writing this…it’s inevitable but I am not saying they will be bad tears…there are a lot of good tears…

Since my last post I have sold my home and moved into my sisters basement suite they have just built, well it is still in process so I am living out of 2 bedrooms and a bathroom…lol… I am not in any way complaining though because her and her husband took me in so that I can finally get my surgery at UCLA for a TOTAL mesh removal. I am paying for the surgeries so need every penny I can get.

Leaving my Townhouse was and still is very sad to me, it represented my independence after my husband passed away…I have not lived on my own…ever! I married my husband when I was 19 and went from my Dad’s house to his house. So when he passed away I stayed in “our” home for 23 months and then decided it was time to spread my wings and get out into this big world I had never really ventured out into.

It was so hard to sell and say goodbye to “our” home and many wonderful memories but also some very sad and horrible memories…when I think of that house I remember more sadness than I do anything else. I knew I had to move on, Ron would have wanted me to, so I did.

I moved into my townhouse in Feb 2006 and from day 1 I LOVED it!  I remember telling my friends and family that I was scared to death to live on my own and that it would be so sad and I would  just hate it, well, that never happened! I loved being on my own from Day 1…I missed my kids dearly but I loved my freedom as well! I moved into a fixer upper but put my own stamp on it and I was ok with that because I left for England and Italy half way through the Reno’s! I was seeing someone at the time and he took over dealing with all the Reno nightmare’s while I was drinking my way through England and Italy!

I met James in Feb 2007 and he joined me on a very difficult journey dealing my son’s cancer diagnosis and my cancer diagnosis, both within a few months of each other. It was such a painful time in my life as I had just gone through 18 months of loosing a lot of weight, feeling better than I had in 15+ years, dating and vacationing and just having the time of my life! The diagnosis’ knocked me off my feet and thank goodness James was there to pick me up and keep me going.

Since 2007 we have gone through more chaos than most people go through in a whole life time! The biggest and hardest has by far been my Mesh surgery in Dec 2009…if I could take back that 45 minutes in my life I would in a heartbeat…instead I have had to face my demons head on, I am in the fight of my life and am damn determined I WILL win this fight.

I had a near death experience when I was in my teens and I believe that event set the stage for how my life would play out. I didn’t like it at that time because I was young and I didn’t understand why or how God could put this on my shoulders and figure out how to make a life out of what was left of me.  There was a reason why it happened and I now know and understand that reason and I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

I learned from my experience that I would play the vital role of helping my husband die with peace, grace and dignity as he faced his terminal cancer diagnosis, malignant Brain Cancer. We went through 6 years of a lot of hell…there were good times but in my mind still to this day almost 10 years later I just remember pain.

His diagnosis was the ultimate insult that God could have ever dumped on my doorstep! I was angry, hurt beyond words knowing I would have to say goodbye to my husband, in absolute despair for my kids, no kids should have to go through what they went through in those 6 years and not be scarred for life. I am so proud of them, they are my absolute hero’s, they have strength and understanding beyond their years, what they have taken from their Dad’s death is “To live in the moment, life is short and there by the grace of God go I”…remarkable is all I can say.

The tears have started…I am so proud of them and who they have become and I love them more than there are words…they have rationalized Ron’s death…they saw how much he suffered the last 3 years and realized that he is in a much better place, free from pain. How do you do that at such tender ages they were at 19 and 21? They have shown me strength beyond their years…

My head has been swirling with ups and downs the last few months and I am almost embarrassed to say I feel like I have whined too much and need to pull up my big girl panties and get on with life.  So I posted something on my Face Book page a few days ago that I don’t want any negativity in my life…only positive…A few people have said to me that they saw a “whiny” post recently and called me on my negativity post. Ok in all honestly and fairness to me, I didn’t say I wouldn’t ever have “bad” days…I stated I didn’t want negativity…in my mind there is a HUGE difference! We ALL have bad days, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t and I am ENTITLED to them as is everyone else!  I just have to be very careful that I don’t let my bad day turn to something bigger…depression.  

I have dealt with depression and I know how to respond to it when I feel it enveloping my world…I fight back, I get mad, I yell and scream, I have been known to break a dish or two on really bad days…lol…I don’t LET it take over my world because it is very difficult to climb out of the big hole you dig for yourself when depression hits. I can’t let it pull me down…I have too many things going on this year and need to be on guard at all costs.

Some of my whiny posts are about Lily…I miss her so much and I am not the Nana I want to be to her…that causes a lot of tears but I have finally come to understand that I WILL be that Nana one day and that day will come soon. Yes I cry but no I don’t let it take over me anymore.

So, I have come to the realization that my life is what I make it to be…I hold the keys to unlocking the doors that challenge me and I also know how to put those challenges into perspective. I am finally learning that I DO control my life, yes Mesh and Lupus have taken away so much of the “Diane” I used to be but I have also realized that I can be a “better” Diane and who could say no to that!

I have dedicated a lot of time to writing my book lately which is painful and heartwarming all at the same time…It is something I need to do and I am enjoying it as it is giving me strength and understanding of the years that were so difficult. I am also starting to get little “flash backs” of some of the funny things that happened during those years, it has taken me almost 10 years to remember Ron pre Cancer…I was always scared I would never remember our life together, all 26 years but lately I have caught myself laughing out loud at something funny that happened all those years ago.

I have a few other projects on the go and I am getting to tap in to my creative side once again…I thought I had lost it but nope, it was just misplaced for a bit! It’s amazing how much your world can open up when you allow yourself to dream again…I know mine has and I don’t want to ever lose sight of my dreams again.

“Life is not Measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that our breath away”

“We cant be stopped, if we’ll only just begin”

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